In the bag

I ran in the Chicago Marathon yesterday. Everyone always told me through this whole training process that I'd get "the bug" once I finished it the first time. I kept shooing them off saying that this was the only shot I wanted and that I would not spend another summer going home early on Saturdays and waking up early on Sundays to run miles with strangers. I see where people are coming from now though. Selective retention or memory suppression is an amazing human faculty. After yesterday's glorious experience, I can barely remember the prolonged pain and inconvenience that filled the last 4 months of my life.

Yesterday was amazing! I woke up at 5am, took a cab south in the dark to the Congress Plaza Hotel where my parents stayed. They walked with me to the start line where I had to wait for 50 minutes in a shoulder-to-shoulder pack of strangers. In that time, I conversed with members of a 4:30 pace group. I decided to run with them until mile 22 (ideally). The group leader (Jerry) held an enormous 7 lb., 5 ft. sign for the entire race. Unbelievable.

The first 14 miles were a breeze. I felt energized by the crowd and by the friends and family I saw on the sidelines. A particular moment of energy was seeing Andrew at mile 8 .... having done the marathon himself, he displayed a very authentic passion that buoyed me immediately. I cut diagonally through the crowd to slap the crap out of his hand. Cowbells rang constantly. At mile 13.4...just over halfway, I saw Dan, Sara, and my parents. This was the third or so time my parents had caught me. I felt great, and I knew I looked great. I gave them two big thumbs up and smiled real big. Their enthusiasm gave me instant relief/energy. I felt their energys' impact on my body so directly. It was awesome, and I kept running....

After the halfway point, the course veers south and there is very little shade. It was also getting later in the day, and the temp was in the mid-high 70s. At about mile 16, I felt the difficulty jump a noticeable notch. The pace I was running at with the pace group started to feel slightly faster than before when it was exactly the same. The pace leader shouted mantras in a militaristic fashion, "You've worked too hard!....you've worked toohard!... if it were easy, everyone would do it!...you're tougher than that....you're tougher than that...you're tougher than that" I battled through...even as 10 of 12 pace group leaders had dropped off due to heat or exhaustion. Then, the wall....

I'm astounded and awed by how instantaneously "the wall" hit me. I'd always heard about this so-called wall...the moment you feel like you cannot continue on under any circumstance. My legs immediately felt like cement. It's like my body was recoiling in dramatic fashion saying, "You weren't listening to me the last 4 miles when I said I didn't want to do this, so I'm telling you definitively." I was around mile 19.5 when I hit the wall. I began to lose my pace group...the big red pace sign lumbered further and further ahead of me..which was a disappointing reality. At mile 20, I could not FATHOM in my head how on earth I could possibly finish this distance. We were still on the South Side and had yet to reach our southern-most turnaround point (the White Sox stadium). 6.2 more miles is a lot to ask for after 20.

The next 6 miles were visions from hell. People began dropping out right and left. Many walked. I passed a lady who had pooped all over herself. Maybe light pink shorts weren't the best pick. I glanced at my shadow and noticed how strange and injured my stride looked. This is not to say I couldn't feel it too; I could. I negotiated with myself for the next 3 miles...pushing my personal time bar higher and higher...."It'll be okay if I finish in 4:35." And moments later "I'll give myself until 4:37". Spectators thinned out around 23mi as most like to be by the finish line at that point.

I ran the final 2 miles stretch at an extremely slow pace. In training, I consistently ran an 8:45 mile. Now, I was lucky to
complete a mile in 12:00. I was soaked in water I had poured all over myself. I had moments where I resisted tears. At the final .2 mile stretch, there is a cruel and brutal hill. Luckily, doubling down when defeated is my forte...I attacked the hill as best as I could. Sara and Dan were waiting at the top just as I rounded the turn to the finish. Their encouragement was 20x more helpful than a drink of water would have been. They smiled huge, screamed my name, and jumped up and down telling me I was almost there.

I rounded the turn and found I had a little sprint left in me. I reclaimed a bit of form as I painfully strided to the finish line. My parents were there with a big bouquet of pink flowers, and my dad captured it on video. RELIEF! Finished! I had joy tears underneath my sunglasses, feeling so thankful for having gifted myself in this way. What a gift! What an experience! This is what it means to be living well.

I hurt now. I cannot walk save for a pathetic two-legged limp. I am real bruised in 3 places on my pelvis where my Gu was stored, and there are red scabs in the shape of a sports bra on my chest and back. This will fade before Wednesday though. My family and friends were awesome spectators and provided necessary support. Mmmmm....this was a delicious occasion.....and I earned it. As long as I live, I'll never squander the equity I built yesterday. I received more congratulatory texts than I get calls on my birthday. People came out of the woodwork to wish me well. It feels great.

I'm not going to work today. Celebration time. I'm excited to get to be a fun person again. I think I'll go to some late night bars this weekend...

Ow.

I will tell you about it tomorrow.

20 mi.

20 miles is a long way to run. How do I know? My body is screaming it.

I was scheduled to participate in a 20-mile group run on Sunday morning. I hung out with some friends Saturday night who convinced me to stay out longer than I planned. I'm a sucker for comraderie, so I gladly stayed. Around 9pm, I decided to stop drinking. I should have kept drinking. Once I was in bed, my anxiety prevented me from falling asleep. I had to wake up at 4:30am to make it to the group run, so around 2:30am and still tossing and turning, I threw in the towel.

My regret of having skipped out itched badly enough to run the 20-miler on a Monday night, with a slight cold, and in the dark with my friend Carrie. We made it. Done. And though I am sore and sick as a dog, I feel great. Now I can sleep.

This is the journey.

Ran 7 miles home from work this evening.

As I sat in the plush office of my company's President encouraging her to donate to the American Cancer Society, I heard myself say, "I'm learning. I've never fundraised before, so I'm figuring out how to do it." The words flew out of my mouth, and I realized something in the midst of my nervousness....

There's so much pressure to be instantly confident, to spontaneously master a skill. I've certainly pressured myself to be intellectually dexterous, be the best communicator, be athletically more inclined, etc. and still make it seem like it's all a breeze for me. People do it all the time. Sometimes it's nice to acknowledge that things take work. Most of my skills are not instincts. Some are. The rest are learned. And as I'm learning, I don't want to focus so steadfastly on the end goal that I gloss over the struggle and the insecurity preceding it. That's been a great part.

Brown Shoes

5 quickie miles up Sheridan tonight. 20-miler this Sunday in the A.M.

I'm ready to go. I want to run this. My shoes are worn.

At the beginning of some of my runs, I have a burst of uncontrollable excitement. I run really really quickly for a first mile. I'm so happy to have made myself get out there and do it. The wind and the rhythm feels new every time. I love that first burst, but I know how to pace out shortly thereafter. This initial effort is not conducive to good overall pacing except that I've accepted it as part of me and so have incorporated it into my running strategy. I used to get mad at myself for my early, overwhelming enthusiasm, but I've decided to forgive myself and get over it.

If you want to track me during the marathon, go to http://www.doitsports.com/results/MSG-signup.tcl?sub_event_id=2161 and sign up. It'll let you know when I cross 10 different thresholds spaced out along the course.

Big gulps, huh?

I made it through yesterday. 18 miles ...in one big gulp.

I had plans with a friend to play tennis today, and I was signed up for a 5k this morning...but neither one has happened. My knees and joints are so sore I can hardly walk. Last night, I went to the bar to watch Mizzou whoop up on SEMO only to leave early because of my throbbing legs. Ouch.

As my training inches closer to culmination and with my body acting as a constant reminder, I'm starting to notice its cumulative effects on my mind. In life, I tend to do things quickly. While deftness at high speeds allows me to master some things, it impairs my ability to be successful at others. This marathon training makes patience a goal in itself. Instead of using patience as a tactic to achieve some other objective... lucid patience becomes the goal. Ironically, I am more peacefully confident and relaxed than I can remember being at any other time. Because I am forced to accept my physical self as is, I am more open to accept my metaphysical self. I am more open to accepting the limits and the realities of others as well. I am satisfyingly helpless.

Maybe I make too much of a few months of marathon training. But this is what I do. I make big deals out of daily things. I put a lot of weight on everything I see, do, hear, etc. This is how I keep learning and growing, and it's how I prefer life to be.

But we an imperishable...

Today, I left my pencil skirt, pearls and heels in a bag under my desk and ran just under 6 miles straight home from work. As I was running, I thought of the Corinthians quote below. It happens to be one of my favorite Bible quotes...let's say Top 10, and well, today was the first time in my training that I remembered it. So, here it is...

"Run so as to win. Every athlete exercises discipline in every way. They do it to win a perishable crown, but we an imperishable one. Thus I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight as if I were shadowboxing. No, I drive my body and train it, for fear that, after having preached to others, I myself should be disqualified. " ~ 1 Corinthians 9:25-27

Support

When running in a race, nothing feels better or motivates more than a familiar face. After whizzing by thousands of strange faces, the comfort of a familiar face is like feeling a shower of cold water in the middle of a long desert trek. Except it's better. Because when someone shows up to support a friend or an acquaintance in a race, it is a demonstration of love, the brotherly kind. The supporter may not think of it this way, but it is. It's one of those rare social situations where just showing up can be seen as an overwhelmingly kind gesture in the eyes of the one you're showing up for. Unexpected familiar spectators are even more refreshing.

A funeral is the most accurate experience to which I can compare the feeling. If you've ever been in the unfortunate position of processing out behind the casket of a family member or friend and seen a surprise, familiar face in a pew, you know what I'm talking about. In a moment of desperation, you suddenly feel so so gratious to that person for coming. That person makes a gesture that at its simplest says, "I recognize you" in a ridiculously sincere way. Spotting a friend during a race is heaven to me.

Chicago Triathlon

Tomorrow is the Chicago Triathlon. I'm not a triathlete (yet), but I will be a Gatorade distributor in the morning for all of the hard-working triathletes. I'm slated to begin work at 6am, and I am excited to watch the dedicated during their finest moments.

So, it's 10pm, and I'm on my way to sleep. Know that I cherish my nightlife, so I'm constantly evaluating the opportunity costs of this early-to-bed, early-to-rise thing that I've been doing.

On my own schedule, I will run 6-7 tomorrow, and 17 on Sunday AM, rounding out the weekly mileage at 50. I miss cranberry/vodkas and dancing after midnight.

Efficiency

I was reading some running articles in Runner's World when one mentioned the "efficiency of your steps", something I had never considered. Basically, if you pound your feet on the pavement, your steps are inefficient...your foot spends too much time on the ground. Efficient feet glide atop the gravel, touching down only as much as is necessary.

So, yesterday, as part of a 4-mile tempo run, I focused on making my steps as efficient as possible. I'm no ballerina when I run, so it was tough, but I managed to eek out 3 miles at an 8 min. mile pace. I found myself reaching Fullerton quickly, then North Ave. quickly, and before I knew it, the run was over.

I'm participating in a 5k for Multiple Myeloma in 3 weeks, and I've decided to crush it. I'm basically going to max out on speed and try to hold it for 3.1 miles. My goal is to finish in less than 23 minutes....which would amount to three 7:30's. This is lofty but do-able.

My Amos Lee Reverie

7 miles last night.

The first 4-5 miles were rough as my calves and feet tensed up, causing me distracting pain...a running impediment I struggle with frequently. The other side of that coin is that my feet eventually go numb which blunts the pain.

So I was laboring through, the sun had begun to set, and the lake and the city were bluish-gray. This is a beautiful, comfortable time of day for me. My iPod began to play "Kid" by Amos Lee...which is a liquid, emotional song about struggling and keeping your head up through it. In a quick moment, my pain affected my body the way pleasure does, providing relief and relaxation.

I take great pleasure in shouldering productive pain, and that is what marathon training has given me....great pleasure knowing that I'm expanding my personal thresholds, invalidating the logic of my insecurities, and making investments on my mental and physical strength.

Sweet Sixteen

Ran 16 miles yesterday. I was out having drinks the night before and spontaneously decided to get my run out of the way on Sat. AM instead of Sun. AM, so I unceremoniously left a group of drinkers for my pillow at about 1am.

For the first time while running, I had the thought, "I don't think 26 is possible." I was wrapping up the long run at mile 15ish, and my left IT band was exploding with pain. I soaked in a cold bath immediately after I was finished running. I think that helped...I feel no pain today.

Um, so how about those Olympians finishing up in like 2.5 hours? Geeez.

patience

Music

Weekly Mileage Total So Far: 33

Last long run's soundtrack:
"Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love" - Coldplay
"Pardon Me" - Incubus
"That Green Gentleman" - Panic at the Disco
"Seven Nation Army" - Stripes
"Lost!" - Coldplay
"God Says Nothing Back" - Wallflowers
"Move Along" - All American Rejects
"Forever Young" - Sonic Youth
"Take a Bow" - Rihanna
"You Gotta Be" - Desree
"Sun's Gonna Rise" - Citizen Cope
"Against the Wind" - Bob Seger
"One" - U2 & Mary J. Blige
"Bleeding Love" - Leona Lewis
"Oxygen" - Colbie Caillat
"The Denial Twist" - Stripes
"Come As You Are" - Nirvana
"Breakaway" - Kelly Clarkson
"How to Be Dead" - Snow Patrol
"Tracing" - John Mayer
"Lose Yourself" - Eminem
"Seen It All Before" - Amos Lee
"The Only Difference Between Martydom and Suicide is Press Coverage" - Panic! at the Disco
"Transatlanticism" - Death Cab
"No Rain" - Blind Melon
"Another Day" - Rent
"Mrs. Potter's Lullaby" - Counting Crows
"Pieces of What" - MGMT
"Many Shades of Black" -Raconteurs
"Heaven" - John Legend
"Top Yourself" - Raconteurs
"Lake Shore Drive" - Aliotta Haynes Jeremiah
"The Power" - The Snap!
"See You Again" - Miley Cyrus
"Strawberry Swing" - Coldplay
"Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love" - Coldplay

Concentrate Solely on the Means

You can't do this for show.

Some people run to garner reactions from others. Marathon training is fundamentally too difficult, time-consuming, and demanding for that motivation to withstand. I might start off a run thinking I look really awesome in my Under Armour or my Livestrong Nike gear, but by the end, I'm going to look like shit. I'm going to be dizzy and a bit delirious, and I'm crazy if I'm searching for spectating eyeballs at that time.

I have to focus while I run. If I'm concerned about the end goal while I'm taking the solitary steps, I either give up early or I'll finish in an uncomfortable hurry. John Steinbeck sums it up best in East of Eden (which happens to be my favorite book of all time)....

"So often, men trip by being in a rush. If one were properly to perform a difficult and subtle act, he should first inspect the end to be achieved and then, once he had accepted the end as desirable, he should forget it completely and concentrate solely on the means. By this method he would not be moved by false action by anxiety or hurry or fear. Very few people learn this."

There ya go.

Back on the Horse

After a dry week of absolutely no running, I got out and ran a solid 14 miles this morning at 6:30am.

The sun was just up, and the lake & city looked gorgeous. After almost 5 miles on the trail, it finally felt so satisfying to have resisted the urge to stay lazy in bed.

Also, this was the first morning I had run after having a couple drinks and a late night out. It was a close friend's birthday, and I had to show her some love. Good to know I can pull that off.

$615

Hi all!

I'm excited to say that I'm 65% of the way to my American Cancer Society fundraising goal of $950. Thanks to family, friends, co-workers who have made donations. It's a great cause, donations are tax deductable, and all of the money donated goes to cancer research.

Help me get to the finish line...

Donate here: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/Bridget.Garwitz

First Group Run

12 miles. From Montrose Beach to Lake Point Tower (where Oprah lives).

I ran with the CARA (Chicago Area Runner's Association) marathon training group today. I woke up at 5am. Yuck. Running with others keeps me calm. I found someone whose pace I liked and kept up with her for just about the entire thing.

My legs and feet are SORE...and I just finished running an hour and a half ago. I'm also sure now that I'll lose a couple toenails before this is over despite having great shoes.

Weekly Mileage Total: 32

Afterwards, I had to take a cab back home because walking felt too painful. The cabby was this middle-aged, fat man who decided to be chatty with me. I got into his cab at 9am after I had been running since 6:30am, and he goes, "Man, it's too early for me to be working." I told him how long I'd been up and what I'd been doing, and in a very thick accent, he deadpanned, "Holy shit." For the rest of the cab ride, he talked about how when fat people like him run, they bounce all over the place. He thinks it is gross. It was insensitive of him to say, but I guess when you are a fat man, you're exempt.

Gu

I'm eating Gu now. Today, I ate Lemon Sublime. I felt like I was swallowing a huge booger...think oysters on the half shell, only 3x bigger. They pack a bunch of vitamins and carbs. Yum.

Completed 7 mile goal after work today.

My toes and knees are starting to feel the stress of the distance.

But my mind is becoming less and less manic.

One of my favorite books is called "The Art of Loving". It's by Erich Fromm on the theory and practice of love. In it, Fromm writes --

"Most people listen to others, or even give advice, without really listening. They do not take the other person's talk seriously, they do not take their own answers seriously either. As a result, the talk makes them tired. They are under the illusion that they would be even more tired if they listened with concentration. But the opposite is true. Any activity, if done in a concentrated fashion, makes one more awake..."

I find this to be true in my marathon training. The more I work on my concentration, and continually re-focus, the more awake I feel. My alertness lasts hours into the night, keeping me up until midnight or later...hence, I write this blog.

A Start

After hours and hours of thoughts flipping through my head as I train, I decided to share a few. So far, after a month of marathon training, here are a few things I've learned -

- If my calves hurt, I push with my hamstrings. When they hurt, I push with my calves. I have to counter every piece of pain, and over and over again, I forget (and then remember again) where I hurt.

- My feet won't be pretty again until November.

- I have to come up with new mental distractions about every 60 seconds or so. It used to be every 20.

- One of my tactics is to form emotional attachments to certain points (preferably far from where I start)...like a nice view of the city, or a private part of the trail. If I do that effectively, I am naturally compelled to run out at least that far.

- This endeavor is 20% physical. The rest is mental/emotional.


Okay, so today I went 5.5 miles in a recovery run. Tomorrow I'm shooting for 7, 4/7 at marathon pace. This week's long run should be around 10-11. I will run with the Chicago Area Runner's Association (CARA) on Sunday mornings at 6:00am. Ouch.

I am personally touched by all of my friends and family who have decided to sponsor me for the American Cancer Society. Thank you!

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/Bridget.Garwitz